Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Autistics speaking day-things you don't want to hear

The title of this is misleading. This isn't just things you don't want to hear--it's things you don't want to hear about things you don't want to hear, and about leaving me alone to speak truth to power while you wait out the storm inside and recycle what I said six months later, or put a richer accent on it, or both.

Specifically, I am going to tell you that which I have told you multiple times. About my own vincibility and vulnerability. Maybe if I say it on Autistics Speaking Day you will make a pretense at listening. Gods know you never have before.

I really don't know what gave you the impression I'm impervious to the verbal abuse heaped on me as I say things parents don't want to hear and you nod and hide. Is it that I've been there before? That's crap and we all know it. Not a single one of you would think that I developed an immunity to bleeding because I've been cut before.

Wait just kidding. So many of you leave me to weather the physical threats and attacks alone as well. Apparently you do think I no longer bleed! Neato! I haven't. I would not have scars if I had. I still bleed.

So, autistic community, I need you to remember I have human psychology and physiology. I don't draw fire off you for funsies. I don't do it because it has no effect on me. It digs into the C-PTSD wounds that you know about and conveniently ignore. I do it so that the next generation will have it better. I am a Gryffindor. I am good, not necessarily nice, and I am brave to my own detriment. Stop making me be brave alone. I've lost my faith in most of you, for using me.

I'm really over being the meat shield for dozens and dozens of people, many of whom have more resources than me. You are hiding from physical, not just emotional, attacks behind a 5'4" woman with adrenal insufficiency. I need you to think about the implications of that. You're willing to knowingly put me in fatal danger to keep yourself relatively safe.

You steal my words.
You steal my ideas.
You splain tactics that have failed a decade ago like they're new.
And you hide behind me from things that will literally kill me far more easily than they will kill you.

That's some bullshit, autistic community.

Parents, you need to fix your house in this regard too. I see you sitting there while your cohort abuses us. Must be nice to be able to hide while people already hurting fight for your kids & you can basically stay out of it. It must be nice to ignore that this will never not be raw for so many of the Warriors.

Don't think I don't notice you using my and other autistics for our activism credentials and then holding to the parent supremacy line the moment things get heated. Don't think I don't see it.

Maybe you're afraid. That's a luxury not afforded to all of us. It must be nice to be allowed normal human vulnerabilities.

I wouldn't know. I've been assumed too used to it for it to matter since before I can remember. Others decided I don't have those anymore. And y'all use that excuse too.

I'm not as strong as you lie to yourselves & pretend I am. I value justice more than I value my own safety, as do many people who've been where I have. Taking advantage of that is still cowardly. You need to be better.

3 comments:

SmackCrackNPop said...

Obadiah 1:18

"And the house of Jacob shall be a fire, and the house of Joseph a flame, and the house of Esau for stubble, and they shall kindle in them, and devour them; and there shall not be any remaining of the house of Esau; for the LORD hath spoken it".

A$ has terrorized us so much that God has definitely seen it by now.
If you can picture all the crap they have done to you throughout your lifetime,
just know that it's not going to go unpunished. The Lord had prophesied that every last person who Lights It Up Blue has to DIE. Every night, I pray for his delivery of justice in the form of death and destruction to A$. Maybe if some readers here did so, it could bring salvation.


bloody christ said...

I don't know. I'm sorry if I've seemed guilty of such, but I appreciate your blog, your words, your no bullshit no nonsense stance, immensely.
I might've rubbed you the wrong way in a group we were both in once a long time ago albeit I dunno if it's anything like what you speak of here. I just... apparently explained or stated something in a way that made people think I thought things that are inaccurate and offensive and people got so up in arms even as I tried to explain that I just got uncomfortable and felt like I was probably going to get kicked out of the group anyhow and whatever you wouldn't likely remember. I don't even remember if you were one of the people that criticized me or whatever, tried to correct me?, I dunno. But somehow you had something to do with it in my head anyway b/c you were also in the group and I look up to you, feels odd trying to express... Well I think part of it is that I was trying to engage in helpful educating discussion with people who were at least somewhat clueless, and somehow I messed it up and ended up pissing off a bunch of people in the group for autistics... I can't think of what it was called now. It was kind of activism/awareness focused and small if memory serves and it was helpful to me to keep me on my toes and aware. I was really down about the whole thing, I got kicked out of another autistic adult group over communication muddles, mine and other peoples', and man I was just really frustrated and sad over it all at the time. I don't know why I'm telling you this stuff or how I reckon it'll help. I'm probably just making it all worse.

My point is/was actually just to let you know it matters. Not to rehash sad things and be depressing. Rather I should say to let you know you matter. and your words matter. your blog matters. Thank you.

Hetty Awen said...

Thank you. I'm also someone living with severe Multiple Chemical Sensitivity and front line activists have been murdered and attacked with chemicals on purpose. I have dealt with C-PTSD too. And a ton of actionism and journalism - The entire "You're so strong" thing sucks. I've stood up about things everyone else was upset about at online groups like Icarus Project or in a religion - All support gone except in secret! No one ever publicly stands by OUR truth, the one they encourage me to say because I'm a writer. But lots of private "Thank you" or "You're so authentic." emails. I don't say I have a community because no one publicly protects each other. I'm "allies" with tons of oppressed people who disappear when I say "Isn't solidarity a two way street? Why aren't you making inclusive space safe for people with MCS to attend? Why aren't you standing up for people with trauma who don't want to be in usually male argumentative, talk over, loud, dismissive groups? What are you doing for ME and those like me without your invisible privilege?" No reply. Most people are cowards. They don't have honor. They use people and dispose of them. They steal ideas instead of kindly giving credit because they want the spotlight, not communal care. I do Pagan prison ministry and these are the same behaviors that I address. But it's the whole culture. No honor, no integrity, no honesty, using and disposing people and other natural resources. The most radical thing I've just learned is self care. As a multiple disabled woman, I'm considered worthless by my society and my REAL allies aren't public enough. I'm tired of working so hard with so little without even a public thank you. It's ableist and sexist to use me. So now I say I don't belong to any community. I still do the hard work, but my health and happiness come first. Because I'm NOT disposable. I have immense value. I won't internalize the treatment/abuse I get for being different. I give me what I deserve and I'm honest, calling out my fake allies. Putting someone so fragile (I also have chronic Lyme disease and babesiosis a fatal parasite similar to malaria) as as the Strong Action Taker and Voice and not being there to take care of me for doing that for you (different groups)? I'm done.